Nick P.

Well- Nick P is somewhat touched in the head. Be that as it may- he's one funny mo fo. So im posting something he wrote to a whole group of us- which is one of the funniest things ive read in years.


To Stephen

Sorry about the wait... but I've been having trouble
with my EMail addresses, again. :(

In response, I have to say that I'm flattered. But I
really don't think this kind of correspondence is
appropriate between you and me. I enjoy being your
friend, but I'm afraid if this sort of thing
continues... we really shouldn't see eachother any
more. I hope we can move past this.

Your Great Friend
Nick P



Stephen Emslie <stephenemslie@webmail.co.za> Wrote:


To the Greatest Hunk of Man the World has ever seen ;)

Hi, Nick. How are things up your end? (teehee)

I was just looking at a postcard of the Eiffel Tower,
and thought of you for some reason. I was talking with
my really cheap psychologist (my family's poor) the
other day, and we came to the conclusion that it's
really not healthy for me to keep my feelings buried
any longer. So... here goes.

I love you, Nick... If I'm honest with myself, I
suppose I've always loved you. Since we met in
Standard six, I knew I'd never find another person
like you. I like to consider myself primarily
straight, but... I don't know... Yeah, I come across
REALLY gay, but I've mostly liked going out with
girls. Not that I ever had my heart in those
relationships. How can I, when all I dream about is
you and me in a giant vat of Bulgarian Yoghurt?

You were the only one who stood by me when everyone
found out how much I enjoy having sex with shoes. I
even bought a pair of Nike's and scratched out some of
the 'e's to turn them into Nikc's. That is how your
name is spelled, right? (I was only in set 3 English)
Now they are my favourite shoes to make love to. I've
made love to them sooo many times, my mother refuses
to wash them anymore. (I have to use our spatula to
scrape them out once a month) :)

I don't want to get all serious, but... Say you'll be
mine, Nick. PLEASE. In all honesty, my current
relationship really isn't going that well. Everyone's
been calling Janet "lesbian" since we started going
out. Now she takes every opportunity to beat me up,
just like my little sister used to do, when she was 8.


I've told my dad about the situation, and when he
stops crying, I'm sure he'll be very supportive...
maybe even organize a big gay wedding for us. :)
Naturally, I would take Your surname, as I am so
obviously the bitch in this relationship. Please,
Nick. Give us a chance. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I
can't even wash. I haven't washed in so long that
I've developed a condition I call "caramelized nuts".
The dogs seem to like it, though.

By the way... do you know how much a sex change
operation costs? Naturally, I'll be wanting to bare
your children. Well, I'm not sure I WANT to.. but it's
very important that our kids look like you (otherwise
I won't find them attractive), and I'm not willing to
play "foster mother" to some other whore's babies. Not
to mention how much more special it will make our
"intimate moments" if we can look into eachother's
eyes. (Not that I would mind being flipped over and
done dry every now and again) (I already have your
face printed on a pillow-slip for just such occasions)

In short: I'm tired of spending half my life hiding in
your back garden, jacking it. I want to be jacking it
with You.

Please, please, please
Stephen Wendel Carl Marx Robert Sinclair Croquet "Get
Your Hands Off Me" "Are You Going To Eat That?" Emslie

PS
:-O <==3

So thats how it went. And just for the record. Im up to 13 cards. Will keep you posted.