Letter of motivation for recontracting. Please address the following:

Effective teaching techniques to upgrade students’practical English communication skills.

Many a thesis has been written on this particular topic. In fact entire 4 year courses are devoted to it in universities around the world. So based on that tiny, insignificant fact alone, I assume that it is the reason it was selected to be the title of the JET Programme re-contracting procedure. After all- what’s better than condensing 4 years of work into a page.

My suggestions are as follows:

• Fire everyone- While one might argue that this is bordering on the side of drastic after having taught in a Japanese school for more than a week one would soon come to realise that no-one can in fact speak English. Let us proceed to define the terminology of “fire” and “everyone” for semantics may lead us into the foray of confusion. By fire I mean relinquish the jobs and occupational status. For sake of this essay “everyone” shall be defined as follows(but not exclusive to): The Japanese Minister of Education (and his staff), The Japanese board of education (all of them- even that cool Azuma guy.). The English teachers (all of them).
• Institute qualification exams- Now some of you may in fact be aware of the sensei exam that many teachers have to take in order to be a certified and authentic teacher. But no matter. If you fail this exam you can still teach. As one of our fellow JET’s JTE so eloquently put it: “I cant English.” . Yes luv. We know. I propose an institution of mandatory high standard, high level exams which if failed will prevent said applicant from teaching the youth of Japan. The new Minister (as according to step A.) and his staff shall also take this exam. As shall every education board across the country. Failure will not result in pay cuts, as some have suggested, but will result in no bloody job as they can clearly not English well enough.
• Fire everyone who did not pick up the last line’s grammatical mistake- This shall be inclusive of all Japanese and Foreigners alike.
• Have them deported to Greenland if they did not find it funny-I believe this is self-explanatory. A good sense of humour is a requisite as a teacher- especially when teaching high-school students that all look like Bon-Jovi. (Or Junior High kids that touch your package.)
• Institute a defined merit system- This shall involve an intricate merit/demerit system. For example when said learner does well in a test he shall be rewarded with 5 merit points. If said learner commits an offence that person in question shall loose a certain amount of merit points eg: 10 for swearing, 10 for late coming, 50 for fondling a teacher, 100 for smoking or having sex at school (and an understandable 150 for having a fag after sex) etc. Once a certain point of merits have been reached the punishment shall be handed down or out depending on your self worth. This shall include but not be exclusive to the use of the cane, the cat o’ nine tails, the paddle and the rubber slipper my mom had.
• Speak English in English class- Whilst certain people (the greater Japanese public) may be up in arms about such a controversial decision the greater universe knows that this particular method might have some higher degree of success. As Dwight Randalf Ginsberg (famous trekkie) once said- “Even Klingon is taught in Klingon mother fscker !”
• Allocate more than just a page to this eensy weensy wil’ pwobwem- Yeah- its small. You don’t reeeaally need English. But if the Japanese nation is serious about its learners like it’s serious about its English …then yeah.

I hope this serves to be informative and I hope someone important will actually bother reading this- and then translating it- to someone slighter more important who will then read it on the way home to his wife….after a long night….at the hostess bar.